By Coy Pink

When picking a new toy, choose wisely!  Thanks to Mollena for tipping me off (via Twitter) to this hilarious video.

We were doing some cleaning up today and I came across an anniversary card from Alec.  It reads:

(front)
Sometimes when we’re lying in bed,
I look over at you and think,
“I am so lucky.”

(inside)
Then you start snoring in that snorty way,
and I think,
“Well, that’s annoying,
but I’m still lucky.”

That’s just one of the reasons that Smart Alec is such a perfect moniker for my sweet husband.

I’ve always been slightly annoyed about a certain segment of sex toys out there.  Animal-themed sex toys, to be precise.  What genius decided that women need or want their sex toys to be modeled after animals?  Do the powers-that-be think if a sex toy is shaped like a bunny or a dolphin it will be more appealing to women?  Do they think it’s easier for a shy lady to purchase a dildo with a face on it rather than one that is more life-like?  Even if that is true, how insulting is that?  All of us silly, giggling girls couldn’t POSSIBLY purchase a realistic looking vibrator, NOOOO…  it must be cute looking! </sarcasm>  I, for one, am not a fan of any toy that resembles an animal.  Apparently, I’m not alone…

Lilly (of This Could Be Dangerous…) and I were discussing this very topic the other day.  Please do enjoy a glimpse of our conversation:

coy_pink: WHY do sex toys for women have to be modeled after animals??

Dangerous_Lilly : lol, it bothers me too

coy_pink: What asshole thought that was a good idea in the first place?

Dangerous_Lilly: is there a reason the shape of a butterfly is a superior handsfree toy?

coy_pink: “Ooo, let’s make it like a cuddly animal and then women won’t feel dirty buying it!”

coy_pink: Exactly!

Dangerous_Lilly: ok like this vibe http://www.amazon.com/Duckie-Original-Waterproof-Personal-Massager/dp/B000Z4J4KS i would feel dirty using that. it looks like a kiddie toy!!!

Dangerous_Lilly: or, even worse http://www.amazon.com/Big-Tease-Wormie-Personal-Massager/dp/B000OWMRNM

coy_pink: I just wouldn’t be able to get over rubbing an animal on my girlie parts.

Dangerous_Lilly: or that it looks like a toy your kids might own

coy_pink: Or my girls would somehow find it and want to play with it.

Dangerous_Lilly: ok, fine, if they find it it’s less humiliating…or if others find it. but STILL, how can you then take it away from your kids and say “no, that’s mommy’s wormy toy”

coy_pink: Daughter #1 found my rabbit vibrator a couple of years ago (before I got a good hiding place). I told her it was a back massager.

coy_pink: rofl

Dangerous_Lilly: lol

Dangerous_Lilly: The whole rabbit vibrator thing irks me too, but for different reasons i guess

Dangerous_Lilly: the rabbit-styles that i’ve liked….do NOT have bunny ears

Dangerous_Lilly: cause ya know what? I’m a big girl now and I don’t enjoy the fluttery irritating almost-nothingness of goddamn ears that are an inch away from the bullet

coy_pink: We bought an ivibe (i think) with the butterfly (instead of rabbit) on it, at the recommendation of the girl at the toy store.

coy_pink: The wings piss me off.

coy_pink: Ok, ours isn’t the ivibe, it’s this one: http://www.loverspackage.com/p-75114-choose-your-pleasure-kit.aspx (and it’s a hummingbird, not a butterfly)

Dangerous_Lilly: oh that looks annoying

coy_pink: Ok, wtf??? http://www.amazon.com/Doc-Johnson-Mini-Rabbit-White/dp/B000CDLB3A

Dangerous_Lilly: I mean really now….if having a vibrator that looks like a beaver (cliche) or a bunny or a fish what have you, if that makes you feel better about using a sex toy….then I think you need to up your sex-positive quotient or something. It’s like they’re catering to the women who are so immature and repressed that they think masturbation is dirty, and this is a way to cutesy it up.

Dangerous_Lilly: gah!!

Dangerous_Lilly: that looks like my cats catnip toy!!!!

coy_pink: Yes!

Dangerous_Lilly: I am not playing a part in the porno version of Alice in Wonderland, thankyouverymuch

Dangerous_Lilly: http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/discreet-vibrators/teddy-buddy

Dangerous_Lilly: It’s like the kiddie porn version of vibrators

Dangerous_Lilly: http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/discreet-vibrators/i-rub-fishie-flame

coy_pink : What the hell?? This is getting insulting. Are these toy companies run by 7 year olds??

Dangerous_Lilly: i know!

coy_pink: http://www.amazon.com/Screaming-Octopus-Vibrator-Tingle-Tentacles/dp/B00182KEP0

Dangerous_Lilly: Funny is that they’re listed under “discreet vibrators”

Dangerous_Lilly: if you need to be that discreet, pick up a damn locking toybox

coy_pink: You can hide it among your children’s toys!

Dangerous_Lilly: like a good mommy!

Dangerous_Lilly: yeah I saw Urban gypsy had reviewed that octopus

coy_pink: So did The Beautiful Kind

coy_pink: She wasn’t impressed. 

coy_pink: I’m so sending you one of these for Christmas: http://www.amazon.com/Doc-Johnson-Mini-Rabbit-Pink/dp/B000CDHP08

coy_pink: The eyeballs FREAK ME OUT!

Dangerous_Lilly: ewwww! its awful!!!!!!

Dangerous_Lilly: its like…..wow. i couldn’t even touch it.

Dangerous_Lilly: it looks like a mouse

coy_pink: It does look like a mouse

coy_pink: with growths on its eyeballs.

Dangerous_Lilly: wait….are the black eyeballs….

Dangerous_Lilly: sticking out???

coy_pink: YES!!!

Dangerous_Lilly: *cocks head*

Dangerous_Lilly: no…..

coy_pink: they wouldn’t do that….

coy_pink: Apparently so

Dangerous_Lilly: that’s 467 kinds of wrong

coy_pink: Because nothing says sexy like pointy rabbit eyeballs.

Dangerous_Lilly: that’s just so gross and scary

coy_pink: So, what animals have we seen represented in toys? Rabbits, dolphins, octopus, worms, ducks, hummingbird…

coy_pink: insects

Dangerous_Lilly: insects?

coy_pink: the butterfly

coy_pink: and the worm

Dangerous_Lilly: ohh

Dangerous_Lilly: wonder if there’s a spider vibe

coy_pink: That would freak the shit out of me… and Alec.

coy_pink: So, it’s not bad enough they make the vibes look like animals, they give them stupid names like “Wittle Wabbit Tickler”

Dangerous_Lilly: lol

Dangerous_Lilly: OMG

Dangerous_Lilly: http://www.amazon.com/Mapi-Llc-Pinky-Pleasure/dp/B00187WKNE

Dangerous_Lilly: who would want a CRAB?!?!?!?!

Dangerous_Lilly: that so so so wrong

Dangerous_Lilly: Crabs in your cooter? No thanks, we’d like to avoid that

coy_pink: WTF is that thing??

Dangerous_Lilly: its Craby

Dangerous_Lilly: it attaches “ever so gently” to your outer labia

Dangerous_Lilly: for hands free

Dangerous_Lilly: and looks like a crab

A huge thanks to Lilly for a fun chat that had me literally laughing out loud.  It’s good to know that I’m not the only girl that’s a bit freaked out by animal-themed sex toys.

Come on, girls!  There have got to be better toys out there for us to be spending our money on.  Take for instance the Lelo line of toys or “pleasure objects”, as the company likes to refer to their products.  Yes, they’re more expensive than the Vibro Dolphin Massager but don’t we already know that we get what we pay for?  Or what about something from Vibereview.com or Babeland.com?  Yes, they do carry some animal shaped toys but there are plenty of other things to choose from that won’t make you feel like you’re at the zoo when you look in your toy box.  Let’s send the toy companies a message:  we don’t need it to be cute for us to want to buy it.  It doesn’t need to remind us of our favorite pet to be appealing.  We’re talking about SEX TOYS here!  I need my toys to penetrate, vibrate, excite, and pleasure me.  I don’t need to find them adorable.

We’re what you might consider a bit hippyish in our parenting.  We believe in co-sleeping and share our room/bed with our kids.  Consequently we rarely have sex in our own bed.  But that hasn’t slowed us down at all.  Last year, to make things a bit more comfortable, we purchased a light mattress that we can move where ever we like.  Tonight when I came out to have sex with Alec, this was waiting for me:

(cute sheets, no?)

Her name is Erika.  She is a head (yes, just a head) that Alec got from our hairdresser neighbor to use as a stand in for testing his photography lighting.  She actually kind of freaked me out for a minute because the room was dark when I walked in.  I picked her up by the hair and flung her aside, laughing.  He remarked (barely able to contain his laughter), “I thought it would be fun to bring another girl in bed with us.”  Hardee har har, Mr. Smart Ass!  This man totally cracks me up.  And, no, I didn’t let Erika ruin our fun.  We continued on with our night as she watched jealously from the floor next to us.