The selective submissive
This week while on vacation, Alec told me I was going to go into the hall of our hotel, almost completely naked, for pictures. I thought he’d surely lost his mind. I thought perhaps he was joking; he loves to tease me. But, no, he was serious. I balked, told him he was insane, but he persisted. Alec is not one to push me to do things I don’t want to do so his insistence caught me a little off guard. Most of me wanted to say, “heck no!” but the other part of me wanted to comply with his command. I think I felt that if I completely defied him and said ”no way!” to going in the hall half-dressed, he might not be too keen on playing the dominant/submissive game with me in the future. {I know for many people, D/s is a lifestyle. We simply use D/s play to enhance our sex life.}
This situation got me thinking: can I categorize myself as submissive when what I really want is to just submit to things that sound like fun to me? I love it when Alec orders me around but I certainly enjoy it more when he instructs me to do something I find pleasurable. I certainly was not pleased (though I was a bit amused) to be ordered to have my picture taken, half naked, in the hall of our hotel. Maybe I’m really just a masochist with submissive tendencies. I do love to be spanked, paddled, flogged, pinched, bitten, et cetera. But I do not relish the idea of Alec ordering me to do things I might find humiliating or embarrassing. Perhaps that is just the petulant child in me, flexing her will. I want what I want as long as it serves me. I’ll even do what you tell me to do as long as I feel like doing it. But I want to retain the right to say no. I want to be bossed around just as long as I still have complete veto power.
Then that leads into a whole other line of thinking. Don’t people who act or behave as subs still possess the right to say no (whether by defiance or with a safe word)? Perhaps saying no will garner them a punishment but isn’t that part of the fun? And what about trust? Shouldn’t a submissive person completely trust their dominant partner to have their best interests at heart? I do trust Alec to have my best interests at heart. So why do I find the idea of giving all control over to him a bit unsettling? I think it might have something to do with how we use dominance and submission in our sex play. We slip into these rolls as others might slip into a costume. We try them on, have fun being in them for a while, but ultimately we go back to being ourselves, back to being equals. Because it is not in our true nature for me to be submissive or Alec to be dominant, I think I find it more difficult to submit to him when he is suggesting I do something outside my comfort zone. It is possible that in time we will both be more at ease trying out these new rolls and I will more readily accept orders from Alec that are not of my choosing.
It is interesting to me how introducing new elements to our sex play has me examining our everyday roles and how we relate to each other. I’ve found myself surprised at my reactions to certain experiences and thoroughly enjoying our experimentation. I also think that it doesn’t matter what I categorize myself as just so long as we’re both having fun. I can be a selective submissive with masochistic tendencies who also likes to switch into a more dominant role every so often. After all, why should I limit myself?
My short answer is: there’s a difference between identifying as “submissive” and as the “bottom”.
I was always pretty much relinquishing myself to “bottom”, no further, until “R” came along. I am truly submissive to him. It took some work on his part, as I was quite quick to say “fuck you, I don’t wanna do that”.
It requires trust, which you have. And to just let go…
I suspect Alec had reason to send you out into the hallway. Perhaps to edge you out of your comfort zone….to get you to do something that in hindsight you’ll say “yeah that was kinda scary, but fun, and I got a big rush from it”.
Are we to assume that you actually did it?
This is an interesting post. I certainly relate to it tremendously. It seems I am submissive when it suits me and when something happens or I’m not in that state of mind, I easily say no. So perhaps I identify more with being a bottom than a submissive. I know I’m naturally a sub in the bedroom but it’s other aspects of my life that seem to be difficult for me.
There’s definitely many different levels of playing or living with D/s. I’ve been asked to do things as a submissive that fall outside my comfort zone and as I’ve agreed to a D/s relationship and not just play this is part of the reality of submission. I do trust that he always has my best interests at heart, but sometimes he has me do stuff that really makes me uncomfortable.
Seems to me that whatever floats your boat, or raises your flag, or makes ya hot is just right for you. The Mr. and I play around with D/s stuff too. Mostly it’s fun because I’m usually so much in charge in daily life, and he’s so mellow that it’s a joy to switch it up in the bedroom. And, yes, that pesky little Masochist in me just loves a little spanky spanky. I hear you on this one Coy. . . as long as you and Alec are having fun, anything’s do-able!
P.S. . . welcome back from vacation!
I think you have a bad idea of the whole S/M dynamic. The point is to pleasure the sub, which sometimes can include making him/her do things they aren’t comfortable with but usually is made up of making the sub do things that society in generally call “demeaning” but that the sub finds extreme pleasure in doing. The hidden secret about S/M relationships is that it’s all about the sub’s pleasure.
@May – Personally, I feel you have a…..”bad” isn’t the right word to use, as I feel that’s too unkind and harsh when talking of someone’s feelings/views, but…not accurate?
The whole point is -not- all about the sub’s pleasure….it’s equal. It is sometimes for the Dominants pleasure and the pleasure the sub gets from the act is that they are making their Dom happy.
By the term “sub” I think of the D/s dynamic. Being the M in the S/M doesn’t necessarily make you submissive…
but even so, it’s still equally pleasurable to both parties. I am certain that every Sadist gets just as much enjoyment out of whipping/flogging/spanking the victim as the victim gets out of the pain….
@Lilly – I think you’re right. Perhaps “bottom” is a better term for me to describe myself. I’m looking forward to seeing what Alec has in store for me next.
@Osbasso – Why, yes, I did go into the hall. Twice, in fact!
@mina – It’s good to see I’m not the only one feeling this way.
@Nadia – I’ve enjoyed seeing you discuss having your limits tested in your D/s relationship. I think I can learn a lot from you.
@Tori – Seeing your mild-mannered man turn into Mr. Boss in the bedroom is hot, isn’t it?
Thanks for the welcome back.
@May – Perhaps my understanding of the D/s dynamic isn’t quite accurate but I don’t think it’s “bad.” I never said I was an expert on D/s, just exploring my own thoughts and feelings as they pertain to my relationship. I appreciate your opinion but I don’t happen to agree that D/s is all about the sub’s pleasure. If it were all about the sub, why would anyone want to be the dom?
“Then that leads into a whole other line of thinking. Don’t people who act or behave as subs still possess the right to say no (whether by defiance or with a safe word)? Perhaps saying no will garner them a punishment but isn’t that part of the fun? And what about trust? Shouldn’t a submissive person completely trust their dominant partner to have their best interests at heart?”
I whole~heartedly say YES to these questions! When I frist started reading this post I was saying to myself, “what about her safe word!?!?”
I am trying to wait patiently for E to step fully into his Dom role in the bedroom/sex….can I wait that long? Will he ever fully get there?
FASCINATING! Here’s my take on it: It’s the Dom’s responsibility to give the sub what she wants. He also has to be creative and stretch her limits. It’s a big job and a fine line to walk!
A sub’s job is to please her Dom.
D/s is about POWER EXCHANGE.
It sounds like you “top from the bottom” which from everything I read about it is considered a bad habit that needs to be broken, but I don’t agree with that. I like being a bratty sub and putting up a fight sometimes!
I also like having my safeword. I know one couple who have been married a few years and the sub does not have a safeword, which surprised me, but they told me they have so much trust and understanding built up, they don’t need one.